Attachment and Rules

The impact that could be made with endless money and resources is profound.  If you were the one with the money and resources, would you make conditions on using them or are they free to everyone?  Is there a limit on how much one person can take?  If you take something, do you have to give something back in return?

I obviously don't volunteer in a world with endless money and resources, especially since my service site is a small non-profit.  A lot of our programs come with attachments because we choose to use case management with our clients.  Our case management includes setting goals, mapping out how to reach those goals, tasks the client completes to help reach their goals, budgets for any income, and scheduled check-ins with a case manager.  The client and the caseworker sign an agreement about case management and what each party is responsible for.  Our clients know we are not asking them to be perfect, but we do ask them to try and to communicate.  If the client is going to miss a scheduled check-in, we ask that he or she calls to cancel.  If homework that we give him or her is not going well, we try to work on it together.

There are consequences for clients that don't follow through and/or communicate.  As a case manager, I don't want to see anyone fail.  I want to have the resources, money, time, willpower, and whatever else it takes to see each person that comes into our office succeed.  Life doesn't work that way, but what I do have are rules or "attachments" that need to be followed.  It's hard to tell a client they can't get a lunch because they missed their appointment and didn't call. It's hard to brush off their anger towards you and not take it personally.  It's easy to give in and say, "Just this one time," but that doesn't teach the client anything except they don't have to follow through.  When the client does reach their goal of getting medical insurance, the doctor is not going to see them when they walk in 48 hours late to their appointment without rescheduling.  When the client reaches their goal of finding a job, they have to be on time and show up when they are supposed to.   It's fantastic when you see your clients reach their major goals, but it's also great to see them learn new skills and grow as a person on the journey.

REPOST: A Bittersweet Symphony

This is a repost from when I wrote the Augustinian Volunteer Blog Post:

How do you find God in greed, hurt and pain?  When people go without and have nothing?  When people mistreat the system that is built to help them?  In mental illness?  In a community that is either ill-informed or ignoring a housing crisis?

This is the bittersweet struggle I go through at HELP of Ojai.  HELP is a non-profit in the Ojai Valley that works to meet the basic needs of the homeless, low-income and seniors.  It's easy for me to talk about and pray for my family and friends, my community and the AVs, and what's going on in the world.  How do I begin to pray for all the struggles that people have right in front of me?  After the initial response of, "HELP is good", I find myself struggling to elaborate.  Many people don't want to hear about the struggles of the mentally ill, the homeless and housing problem in Ojai, and how irritating is to sit on hold for 45 minutes with medi-CAL to be told they can't help you in under two minutes.  It's also probably not appropriate to describe your service site as a “hot mess express” and yourself as the conductor of the train. Or the reality that you are running after the train because the same client has come in at 11:55 when we close for lunch at 12:00.  I find myself frustrated, tired, and my head swimming with what if, what about, and what the hell.

I wonder if there is hope for my clients.  I try to understand that keeping an appointment can be a miracle, remembering paperwork is sometimes an act of God, and goals are a foreign concept.  I need to remember to explain why we set goals and to keep the goals achievable.  I can't get on my high horse and try to remember the refocusing techniques we went over during our morning staff meeting. The first goal I suggest is finding one AA meeting, a second is updating a resume, and a third of following up on paperwork to get an ID so you might be able to find a job if your sobriety is going well.  By the way, when was the last time you had a drink?

I often leave work wondering where my day went and go over the list of things we are doing as a community that night.  My head typically spins, and I consider canceling all our friendships.  Just kidding, that would be awful!  What would be better is if we use our grocery money to order takeout every night so we don't have to worry about cooking.  Speaking of dinner, was I supposed to go to the grocery store tonight? Can time stop for ten minutes for me to process my day?

Compassion; that's where I find God.  Compassion in my heart for a life I can only begin to understand and for choices I never had to make.  Understanding; that's where I find God.  Not a complete understanding, but a small glimpse of how living with a mental illness can be life controlling and disconnecting.  An understanding of the importance of listening and the equal importance of feeling like you are being heard.  Community; that's where I find God.  When I see anonymous donors make a difference in the life of someone, as angel wings hide underneath their jacket.  In the homeless community as they protect their most vulnerable from harm by looking after them in the shelter and on the streets.  Joy; that's where I find God.  When someone is able to find housing, a utility grant drops, or health insurance is obtained.  In remembrance; that's where I find God.  When people talk about the recently housed homeless man that died and how much they miss him and his spirit.  How we should all try a little harder to embody him.

Questioning hope and having to find ways to seek God in hard situations has made it easier for me to see the blessings around me.  I am able to enjoy God more in bike rides, on hikes, the view at yoga, in conversations with others, in my AV community, Sundays at mass, and in the quiet of my heart when I find peace with my mistakes.  So how do I begin?  I start as Mother Teresa said to, one by one.

The Times They Are a Changin'

February started a new chapter at the CAP office with only two caseworkers and an intern (ME!).  It was a whirlwind week of learning for me and I am sharing a few lessons with you.

Lesson One: Do your research.

Help of Ojai has a small, one time monthly rental assistance for clients who are sustainable.  There is an application process and we do our best to vet the person through references and their landlord.  We work with the person on their budget for the future and try to find ways to make cuts, like through utility assistance and our food boxes.  My first vibes from my applicant was I thought this was a perfect person for the program.  As it went on, I was doing my best to hurry and missed a few signs that maybe it wasn't the best applicant and I told the applicant we would most likely fund her.  Most likely in her mind turned to you will fund me, a rookie mistake of telling the client too much before it was finalized.  When it was all said and done, Karen commented that this was a time I should have reigned me in a little to fully look at the situation a second time.

Lesson Two: I hate mice.

We have taken full advantage of doing some early spring cleaning during this time of change.  In the process we have realized we have a mice issue.  THANKFULLY! the mice are not anywhere near the food boxes because those rooms are properly sealed.  Unfortunately, that means the mice are in our office space.  It started with finding a mouse house in a box.  That led to me finding a mouse in a mouse trap that had been sitting there for a VERY long time.  I didn't know whether to cry or vomit and had to step outside.  The exterminator has set out traps and our wonderful volunteer handyman has gotten to work.  A second mouse was caught in a trap (yay!), but I need to talk to the exterminator about not parading it around the office in a bag.

Lesson Three: Make a checklist.

I love checklists because it keeps me organized and makes me feel accomplished.  With so much going on, I need to be better organized with my clients and projects  It also keeps me productive and less forgetful!

Lesson Four: Community makes it better.

It is confirmed that if I ever become a teacher, I would teach middle school.  When coaching, they were always my favorite age group (if we were allowed to have favorites!) because they were hilarious, fun, hadn't realized what was too much information for adults to have, and talkative.  We have eight 7th graders come from a local school to help us clean up.  They worked hard, asked great questions, and talked to all of us.  Seeing their enthusiasm for their first assignments was refreshing and seeing their horror of asking them to clean out a fridge was hysterical.  They did it all  and it was refreshing to see how they worked in their own community and integrated into our community.

Lesson Five: What's the most you can do?

To end the week, we had someone drop off a lost and confused person at our office and leave her there.  The woman who dropped her off promised to be back at 2:00PM to drive the woman to Fresno, CA.

I interviewed the woman earlier in the morning and she could tell me her name and that she was trying to get to her aunt's house in Fresno.  She said she had been in Ojai since December and she had been living on the streets. Nobody from the community knew who she was and I couldn't get any more information from her.

The woman that dropped her off never came back to pick her up.  This puts me in an awkward situation when I have to tell this very confused woman that there is no ride to Fresno.  It was really hard to tell her that we couldn't give her anything except information.  We told her about the homeless shelter and advised her to check with some of the churches around town if she wanted to try to get a bus fare to Fresno.  Between Karen and I, we were able to give her fare to get to Ventura.  The bus fare was the most that we could do, as neither of us can afford to pay for her to go to Fresno.

It's hard to accept that sometimes the most you can do, doesn't feel that it's enough.  It's also a good reminder that even when we have cases like this, we have to stick to our policies and mission as a non-profit.  It's not our mission to to save everyone, but we can do our best by giving them information that can help them.

Funky Pants, Pizza, Surprises, and Movies: A short Birthday Post

Everyone knows that I love my Birthday and I tend to celebrate it for an extended amount of time.  With deepest sincerity, I would like to thank everyone for making my first West Coast birthday extra special.

I loved I was able to Skype with my parents and sisters.  My parents looked up my birth time and told me that I looked Asian due to a lot of jet black hair when I was born.  This hair turned bleach blonde soon after and I looked bald for awhile.  My sisters stayed up until 11:00PM EST to do a group Skype and made me laugh, per usual.

At Help of Ojai we have restarted a fantastic tradition of funky pants Friday.  My parents and a coworker have contributed to my funky pants collection, making it much easier to not have to save my one pair of funky pants for Friday.

My community members were real troopers.  They endured the excitement of my birthday and the not so excitement as well.  We went out for pizza with our Augustinian Ventura supervisors (is that the correct name for them??), whom we meet with every Friday.  As a community, we watched the first Harry Potter movie with Bertie Botts Every Flavored Beans and Chocolate Fizzing Wizzbees from my sister.  The next night they didn't kill me after I said, "We can cancel the party, I'm cold and tired," after waking up from a nap before the party.  I also claimed I didn't have a thing to wear.  My community members also arranged a surprise for San Diego to come up.  It made me so happy to see them and incredibly grateful for my community.

On Sunday, we watched movies all day.  I started with San Diego and my community, but met a coworker to watch the movie Taxi in Ojai.  Taxi is about a "cab" driver in Iran and I recommend it to most people for a glimpse of another culture.

Cheers to 27 and thank you for all your love!